2012: The Year of Phil

Ok..since the world is going to end sometime this spring according to the Mayans,  I figure I have a better than usual mathematical chance of keeping a resolution in 2012. It’s all about the math…..and besides…chics dig math.

By the way…if the Mayans were so good at predicting things do you think they predicted their own elimination from the face of the earth? Or were they just trying to create a great plot for blockbuster duds at the movie theatre?  Is there some Mayan family hanging around down there still? I picture a stressed out Mayan dad, not unlike myself, going to flip the kitchen calendar later this year to April, seeing that there aren’t any pages left and whispering, “oh sh…………..”

Anyway…my resolution is actually not something I’m going to do…..it’s something I’m NOT going to do.  Living longer is a pretty cool idea.  And I figure all the stress I succumb to on a daily basis subtracts actual days from my life. Sooo these are the people and things I will NOT stress about in 2012 – thus elongating my life:

1.     The Philadelphia Flyers

2.     The Tea Party

3.     Fox News…oh….that was number 2. Sorry.

4.     That lady that won’t open the store at 8:59 even though you’re standing in the cold staring at her through the glass door waiting to get NyQuil... Cuz if she opens the door before 9AM the whole Rite Aid corporation may collapse… and she’d be giving in to a  man and all men are pigs and they can all stand in the cold for one more minute because her life sucks .sorry….had to get that out…Hey it’s still 2011. Give me a break.

5.     Ninth graders

6.     Piece of sh…t pedophile priests that tear down the reputation of 1.2 billion other Roman Catholics.

7.     People that judge 1.2 billion Roman Catholics because of piece of sh..t pedophile priests.

8.   The majority of the 1.2 billion Roman Catholics who think they’re golden BECAUSE their Catholic and they hit up church every so often

9.   The Baltimore Ravens.

10. The kid who asks, “are we learning anything important today?” EVERY day.

11. That kid’s parents

12. Politicians who know nothing about education making major decisions about education.

13. Politicians.

14. One issue voters who elect politicians that know nothing about….

15. One issue voters who elect those politicians and then complain about them..

16. The BCS

17. The kid who asks, “Will this be on the test?”  Ya know what? YES it will be on the test. Anything I say could be on the test! If I tell a story about my 10 yr old son it could be on the test. A question about the clothes I wear that week could be on the test. Anything I want could be on the test! And ya know why?? Because I’m the …………g teacher and I’m MAKING the test! So just pay attention, take one or two notes for a change, and shut your 14-year old trash hole. Does that answer your question?

18. Ninth graders

19. Concussion-like symptoms.

20. High ankle sprains.

21. Suspensions

22. Groin pulls

23. Anyone who says, “Put in Charlie Batch”

24. Anyone who says, “Crosby’s a baby”

25. Anyone who mentions the last time the Pirates finished above .500

26. The Pirates

27. The person who doesn’t pull away from the drive-thru ATM until they’ve read their receipt in full, neatly folded the receipt, put their card back in their wallet, put their wallet in their pocket, fastened their seat belt, and changed the radio to a station playing a song they like.

28. Real Housewives of Who the Heck Cares – Season 6

29. The Real Housewives of Who the  Heck Cares – Season 6 Reunion. Let’s rehash that one time you were a bitch in that one episode...oh wait…

30. TV

31. Big ugly women who get into management positions and take out their crappy lives and childhoods on the employees below them and their customers.

32. The people in corporate positions who back those big ugly women who.....oh never mind.

33. Lawyers - ok...not ALL lawyers.

34. People who write numbered lists that are waaayyyy too long.

35. Sorry…thanks for reading to the end.

Good luck with YOUR resolution. I’d love to hear what it (or they) are…mostly so I can make fun of you when you screw up.  I figure this list will come back to bite ME so why not?

Good riddance 2011……you sucked more than most. But I’ve had worse years.

Hope everyone had a great holiday. Here’s to the year of (insert your name here).

Enjoy all three Pittsburgh championships in 2012!

Peace and God Bless,

Phil