I know I haven’t used this blog in forever but what
I need to say is far too long for a facebook post or tweet.
Also, before I get back into annoying my social
media circles with constant Penguin/Pirate/general rant updates, I wouldn’t
feel right by many people if I didn’t
address the significance of the events of the past week first, before I began
to get silly.
A while back on here I posted a clip (though in a
much more light hearted vein then) of Jim Mora telling reporters who were
trying to tell him how to do his job, “You think you know. But you don’t know.”
Well, before the events last Wednesday there was a
great deal I thought I knew, that I clearly did not.……
You
think you know how MANY, who IS, or who EVER thinks
about you, but when everything happened last week it turned out I had
no idea.
I can not tell you how overwhelmed I was by the
texts, posts, messages, calls, and thoughts and prayers in general that I
received this week. I feel guilty that I haven’t been able to tell each and
every one of you how much every single message meant. The out pouring was very
humbling and I was choked up all week as it washed over me every day. I can’t
thank you all enough for everything. I hope you know it is things like that that
made everything ok. If I haven’t had a
chance to respond or even just “like” your comment J
please know how much it meant to me. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. The Lord
used you all week to comfort me.
You
think you know how you are going to react in certain
situations, but no matter how many times you may imagine them, you
just don’t know….
Much of Wednesday
the 9th is a blur. I went from complaining about what I thought was a false
fire alarm at 7AM to running back in the building and down a blood covered
hallway in the span of less than a minute. I was fortunate enough to be outside the wing
where everything happened when I came out, so I could go back in to find a
student, who I saw through a window slumped over a desk. I had no idea what was happening. I hope that
had I known what was really going on my reaction would have been the same, but I Just. Don’t. Know. As is normal, I have reviewed events many
times and wondered what else there is that could have or should have been done.
As it turned out, I was luckily able to assist and sit with
a student of mine who had been stabbed in the stomach, of all things, until the
EMTs finally took him. I can’t mention
his name but he was the most brave, calm, composed, and polite kid during the
worst moments of his life. I thought I knew what a seriously
injured 16 year old kid would be like while losing blood in a classroom without
friends or family around……..but I had no
idea.
I will never forget his maturity and bravery in that situation. I was
more angry and frustrated than he was with EMT’s who would come in and then leave after assessing
his situation. It turns out his liver,
stomach, and pancreas were all damaged. He still can’t eat solid food…..and the
first thing he wanted to do when he awoke in the hospital? Write thank you
notes……This is the youth of the world….not the ones that get headlines on TV. Today he was released from the ICU and should make a full recovery.
I
thought I knew how I would react as the adult in such
a situation. I thought I could check my emotions until it was over……but I kept
seeing my own son laying there, losing blood, losing color, and losing the
ability to breathe deeply….. and I imagined the parents during that time period
and my heart broke for them over and over.
If only I could conjure up mental telepathy or something so they could
know their son was being so strong and as composed as any adult at the scene.
So many talking heads out there want to know how we
at the school could not see this coming.
I always thought I’d know if I looked into the eyes of a
student every damn day for 150 straight days in my classroom that I would know
or see something….anything…that would lead me to believe he was capable of such
an atrocity. I’m good at my job right? I know kids right? Turns out……I didn’t know.
I, and all of Alex’s teachers, will kick ourselves every day for a long
time for not seeing something. I pray to
God every day for his parents and how they must feel for not seeing it either.
I can’t even imagine……..no one can.
Anyone……any expert who tries to read from their
expert handbook and tell me or his parents what signs we should have seen is
spouting nonsense. Anyone who even dares
to tell me that “armed teachers” would have made a difference better damn well
hope I am NOT armed if they are near me. No weapon in the world would have been
used to fire into a hallway of hundreds of kids to find the ONE running though
them with knives. No one knows the answer
or the possible solution for what happened. NO ONE. There is no handbook for this.
You
may think you know what’s best to do tomorrow when
1300 kids come into the building dealing with this in 1300 different ways…..but
you don’t. I will be winging it.
I will tell you what I DO know, though.
Good is greater than evil.
There is MORE good in the world than there is evil.
I’m positive
of that even more now than I was BEFORE all of this. It’s just that evil gets
the headlines and the air time.
All this incident did was shine a light on all of
the love that is in our community, and in our world. God doesn’t send a kid up the hall stabbing
his classmates. God lives in and uses
the thousands and thousands of people that reacted to ONE evil act to help the
healing that needed to happen. Our world is flawed. God is not.
Even though it seemed impossible before last week, I know that I love my children even
more today than I did last Wednesday.
I
know
that both you and I care way too much about insignificant things on a daily
basis. (Except for maybe the Penguin playoffs coming up….or whether the Pirates
are going to start hitting soon.)
I’ve gone on long enough but I felt the need to
share once and for all my thoughts, and to thank you once again for your
thoughts and prayers for me and our school community. I will never forget it.
Lastly, I encourage you to go and to tell those
close to you how you feel. Tell them how
much you love them….for you may think you know that you have
plenty of time for that…….but honestly? You
really don’t.
Now......Let's Go Pens!!! Let's go Bucs!!!!
