King for a day….you always hear that. “If
I were king for one day I would…..”
I don’t know. What good will a day
do? By the time you set up all your
rules and laws the day would be over.
Then you’d be deposed, exiled, or even beheaded. Look, if someone declared their day Justin
Beiber day or something? I’d make the guillotine
myself. First Justin….then the
king. Two heads are better than one
right?
Yes…I’ll take King for a Year Alex….for
$800.
Here are the decrees I would set up
immediately. Then enjoy the best, and
most likely last, year of my life.
1.
Ban the
Designated Hitter
– Seriously. How have we let this go on for so long? Someone to hit for the
pitcher because he sucks? How about a designated foul shooter in basketball? Hell….I
have trouble teaching my last period….I get so tired. Can we have designated teachers? My wife could manage in the American League
with the DH…and she’d be bored doing it. Enough.
2.
Hockey. Starting
tomorrow. Period. Figure the contract out on your own time. I’m the King…..Play.
Now……..oh and the Penguins will play an 82 home game schedule. What? The
kingdom is being run from Pittsburgh. If you want to see the best player in the
world you should come here. (Hey…put that guillotine away.)
3.
Tea Party. Of course
there is no need for a political party now since I am king…but any former member
of the tea party will be put on a boat, sailed to Boston, and dumped into the harbor….Boston
Tea Party – The Sequel. Except we’re not
dumping tea bags….we’re dumping douche bags. Buh bye.
4.
Lewis Black will be my
court jester.
5.
Bruce
Springsteen
will be the court entertainer. No more touring. Again, you come here.
6.
Speaking
of Bruce I will be changing the National
Anthem to Born to Run. And the flag will be the Terrible Towel.
7.
All
School Boards will be
disbanded. No longer will a bunch of NON
educators decide ANYTHING that has to do with education. But I will make a
panel of teachers to be the “Board” supervising the Treasury Departments at
every level. What? They have no financial experience? What a shame.
8.
The
state of Montana will
heretofore be named Sidney Crosby.
9.
There
will be a test for all those
desiring to have children. Passing of this test will be mandatory before you
take home a baby. The panel of judges
will be made up of teachers. Ha ha…….sucks doesn’t it?
10. Digging will
begin immediately to sever Philadelphia
from the East coast and make it an island.
11. A Salary cap in baseball will be
instituted the SECOND I am sworn in.
12. Jack ass police forces will be
set up in every town. If you act like a
jack ass, talk like a jack ass, dress like a jack ass…….do anything that shows
jackassery in any form and you will be thrown in jail without further notice.
collect $200. Go see Bubba. He loves jack asses. Quite literally.
13. Christmas would actually
be twelve days. Every business would HAVE to give their employees at least 6 of
those days off. Figure it out.
14. Every man should have a dog for a pet. NO matter what their wives say. Period.
On that note....I think I am IN the dog house and must go.....not even king in my own house..for a minute.
