King for a Day

King for a day….you always hear that. “If I were king for one day I would…..” 

I don’t know. What good will a day do?  By the time you set up all your rules and laws the day would be over.  Then you’d be deposed, exiled, or even beheaded.  Look, if someone declared their day Justin Beiber day or something?  I’d make the guillotine myself.  First Justin….then the king.  Two heads are better than one right?

Yes…I’ll take King for a Year Alex….for $800.

Here are the decrees I would set up immediately.  Then enjoy the best, and most likely last, year of my life.

1.      Ban the Designated Hitter – Seriously. How have we let this go on for so long? Someone to hit for the pitcher because he sucks? How about a designated foul shooter in basketball? Hell….I have trouble teaching my last period….I get so tired.  Can we have designated teachers?  My wife could manage in the American League with the DH…and she’d be bored doing it. Enough.

2.      Hockey. Starting tomorrow. Period. Figure the contract out on your own time. I’m the King…..Play. Now……..oh and the Penguins will play an 82 home game schedule. What? The kingdom is being run from Pittsburgh. If you want to see the best player in the world you should come here. (Hey…put that guillotine away.) 

3.      Tea Party. Of course there is no need for a political party now since I am king…but any former member of the tea party will be put on a boat, sailed to Boston, and dumped into the harbor….Boston Tea Party – The Sequel.  Except we’re not dumping tea bags….we’re dumping douche bags. Buh bye.

4.      Lewis Black will be my court jester.

5.      Bruce Springsteen will be the court entertainer. No more touring. Again, you come here.

6.      Speaking of Bruce I will be changing the National Anthem to Born to Run. And the flag will be the Terrible Towel.

7.      All School Boards will be disbanded.  No longer will a bunch of NON educators decide ANYTHING that has to do with education. But I will make a panel of teachers to be the “Board” supervising the Treasury Departments at every level. What? They have no financial experience? What a shame.

8.      The state of Montana will heretofore be named Sidney Crosby. 

9.      There will be a test for all those desiring to have children. Passing of this test will be mandatory before you take home a baby.  The panel of judges will be made up of teachers. Ha ha…….sucks doesn’t it?

10.  Digging will begin immediately to sever Philadelphia from the East coast and make it an island.

11.  A Salary cap in baseball will be instituted the SECOND I am sworn in.

12.  Jack ass police forces will be set up in every town.  If you act like a jack ass, talk like a jack ass, dress like a jack ass…….do anything that shows jackassery in any form and you will be thrown in jail without further notice.

 

       12.a If you have to ask YES you were being a jack ass. Do not pass GO. Do not
        collect $200. Go see Bubba. He loves jack asses. Quite literally.

13.  Christmas would actually be twelve days. Every business would HAVE to give their employees at least 6 of those days off. Figure it out.  

 

14. Every man should have a dog for a pet. NO matter what their wives say. Period.

 

On that note....I think I am IN the dog house and must go.....not even king in my own house..for a minute.

 

Well......There you have it. The Reign of Phil. Enjoy…..or set up your guillotine and wait.