Why I Don't Run

Those who haven’t defriended me during the last presidential campaign and were bored enough to click on this link were probably expecting an answer to the question “Why I don’t RUN for president?”

I could put the answer to that on Twitter in 150 characters or less: Because I have common sense and actually care about other people. (and it would probably kill me.)

No.  I am referring to the topic of running in general.  You know, the act humans have been engaged in since they started running after their dinner or running from BEING dinner.  Well, today people run ON PURPOSE and that is something I will never understand. I am going to rear end the next car that has one of those annoying magnetic ovals on the back that has a “13.1” on it, or a “26.2”……except one of MY cars has one so maybe not….but the next person I see with a bumper sticker that says, “I’d rather be running” is going to get their wish after I total their car.

However, this morning I was feeling particularly worthless and fat after mourning the bankruptcy of Hostess with half a box of Ho Hos last night……so I finally caved when my wife asked me for the hundredth time to start running. Before even leaving the house she was planning my run of a half marathon next year…..(Eileen runs religiously and has been in several 5Ks and half marathons. Thus, my “13.1” sticker.)

“You’ll feel so good.”

“You can listen to your music.”

“It’s so beautiful out. You can enjoy the scenery.”

“Get some thinking done.”

As we pulled up to the trail of a local park, I could have mentioned that  I could do all of those things from the front seat of the car but there I was, headphones in, and ready to run.

I should have known SEVEN STEPS into the run when the battery of my MP3 player went dead that it was the first of several laughs that would be had at my expense by the running gods.

The second F.U.  came about 38 seconds later when the humiliation I knew was coming hit me pretty quickly. I was tired.  At first I thought maybe it was the “runners high” everyone talks about but I soon realized I was just feeling like passing out.

“You go on ahead,” I said, “I’ll meet you at the car.” My legs were heavy and I already had a cramp.

OK. It was longer than 38 seconds but a blow to my male ego nonetheless. I mean she could have told me there were HILLS on this trail.

So I ran……I DIDN’T feel good.  I COULDN’T listen to my music. I didn’t CARE if it was beautiful out. I was staring at the trail and trying not to get lost or run off of a small cliff….and I DIDN’T get any thinking done!!! How do you think when you’re just concentrating on drawing one more breath so you don’t die??

Soon I think my heart made two fists and was pounding on my chest like it was a door and I swear I actually heard it shouting, “Let me the fuck out of here!!!!”  Sorry for the inappropriate language, but hearts aren’t aware of that kind of thing and I’m quoting it of course.  My lungs would have joined in but…well…..they were out of breath…..

Listen, I just don’t understand. I get wanting to be in shape. I get the commitment and will power to better yourself.  But you people who “love” it and treat it like a religion, or therapy, or a daily party with your body??......You’re sick, sick individuals…and I honestly think you’re all lying.

I hated every single person that ran by my with an “isn’t this great?” piece of shit smile on their face.  The two guys who ran by in their matching spandex outfits, glasses, and smiles were lucky I wasn’t near death or I would have hip checked both of them into the abyss to my left (their right)…..freaks.

And who places benches on the trail?? “Phiiiiiiilllll…..come sit on me. It’ll feel sooooo good. You can stop running. That’s why I’m here….to save you Phil……beautiful women often sit here Phil…and a waitress will stop by with sandwiches…and beer Phil………..”  Ya..that’s right. I heard it. I don’t care if you believe me.  

With all the fall colors and shadows and dogs barking in the distance I felt like I was running through a haunted house.  I looked behind me once and I know I saw the dude from Twilight chasing me with fangs out and ready to go…….

YES the trail is beautiful in November. I often looked around and thought, “this would be a perfect place to collapse and die and my body can decompose with all of these beautiful leaves.  I can be a part of the nearest tree next year and silently laugh at all the idiots like myself who run by thinking they’ll ever be back to do it again…..

You see, that is the real reason I never run in all honesty.  I KNOW for a FACT that I am an unmotivated lazy piece of shit and will NEVER continue this insanity long enough to make a difference.  I know that is lame but I look at it as saving myself even more disappointment and self-loathing, right?

So walking, YES walking back to the car while Eileen finished her hour long run, I decided I was going to go home, sit in my back yard with the rest of my box of Ho-Hos, enjoy the falling leaves, listen to some music, and get some thinking done.

…and later I would buy a blank magnetic oval, scrawl a “1.4” on it and put it on the back of my car.  F….. you running gods. I rather run for president.